?

Log in


Ok, I’m writing this at 4 am. Not quite sure what to write. I’ve been itching to post here since my mum banned me from the computer.

I’m not allowed on the computer in case I use it to contact Morgana. They are so thick: Morgana and I have been talking daily on our mobiles. Every penny I have goes on credit. I’m more than desperate to talk to her.

 

Hmm. Why not start with a few chrimbo prezzies I got?

An MCR poster. With Gerard having long black hair. I LOVE THE LONG BLACK HAIR. Cannot walk into bed room with out smiling stupidly at him. My big bro gave it to me and went ‘Um… I’m not actually sure if it’s the right one. I mean… it is that band you like? Did I get it right?’ by which time I’d opened it and started running round the room screaming with happiness. And he just said ‘so… is it the right band?’

Life on the murder Scene. Am torn between the fact that the video diary is beyond amazing and the fact that most songs from ‘revenge’ sound shit live. Is a good present because it contains ‘I’m not Okay’ and ‘Helena’ on video. I love Helena (the video used to make me cry) and my li’l bro likes ‘I’m not okay’ so I’ve always got an excuse to stick on the DVD.

Bright pink hair extensions. No explanation needed.

Pants with a skull pattern. My parents have decided I am an emu (not a typo) and therefore must love skulls. Which is true, I guess.

 

Hmmm… am bored now. Will natter about movies I’ve recently watched.

Ravenous: Anyone with a dark side will love this: It is about temptation, and how far people would go to relieve themselves of that temptation. Add a beyond creepy cannibal guy and an ancient spooky legend and you have one cool movie. 9/10

Angus, Thongs and Perfect Snogging: I’m a big fan of the books and this came as a disappointment in that field. It is based very loosely on the books, and is not the comedy masterpiece I was hoping for. It is, however, an amazing movie if you’re looking for some cute teen romance. I’d give it a go if you’re planning a girl’s night in. 6.5/10

Edward Scissorhands: This movie made me cry! A must have as a weepy, slightly creepy, Saturday night in (‘the oh-for-fuck’s-sake-why-haven’t-I got-a-date-does-everyone-hate-me?’ variety, not the ‘snuggle-up-with-hot-cocoa-and-a-partner’ variety.) Johnny’s acting is, as it always is, perfect. This is a very unpredictable, plot twisting story from the mind of Tim Burton (who is, in my opinion, a genius). If this movie was a book I’d describe it as a page turner. 8/10

Final Destination 2: I’ve not seen Final Destination 1, but the plot of the movie was still very easy to follow. Actually, the whole point of the movie didn’t seem to be for a cool story, it was just a chance to stick a movie out there with ridiculous amounts of blood. This was everything I’d hoped for! If you like blood, this movie is a much-watch. Most of the killings were original and bathed in irony. I think this is the perfect movie for kids like me who are just into horror for the blood, but a die-hard horror addict would probably find it too predictable. 6.5/10

Daddy Day Camp: When Daddy Day Care came out I loved it, and I still enjoy curling up to watch it in DVD. However, Daddy Day Camp hardly seemed like a movie in its own right. The plot was very similar ‘I’m going to get more money by opening up a day care/camp!’ ‘You don’t know how to do that!’ ‘I’ll learn!’ blah blah blah they are shit blah blah blah kids are unhappy blah blah blah kids are happy blah blah blah more kids join blah blah blah happy ending. Worth a go if you’re bored and it’s on the telly, but not worth choosing over another DVD 3/10

 

 

Am feeling incredibly pissed off with life and self right now. Am considering doing something REALLY stupid eg suicide. But hey, life is worth living. That’s what makes me so mad: In theory I should be happy. I HAVE EVERYTHING I NEED. EVERYTHING I WANT. WHY AM I SO UNHAPPY?

 

Because I’m an annoying little piece of emo crap, that’s why.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Think happy thoughts.

 

 


Today I was expelled from school. For graffitiing the girls’ toilets in blood. Morgana is expelled too. I don’t want to talk about it, really. I’ll talk about the thing that set it all off instead… but I don’t want to say it happened to me, so here’s what happened…

Quade (the world’s biggest prick):So, Bella, where’d you get the boots*?

Bella: Fuck off.

Quade: Oh my fucking god! What the fuck have you done to yourself! Fucking emo! (points at the cuts on my necks)

Bella: I didn’t do it. Morgana did it to me.

Quade: you fucking sado emos!

Bella: What me to show you how she did it?

Quade: Yeah…**

Bella: (pulls sharpener blade out of pocket) like this! (lunges at Quade)

Quade: (screams like a little girl and runs away)

*I have old fashioned boots as school shoes

**He’s such a dumb arse

 

 

Why did I ever try in that school? My friends, I guess. One of them started a petition to reverse the expulsion. Sweet, but impossible.

I'm a prat in a scarf


 God, I’m so fucked up.

 

I tried to kill Morgana the day before yesterday. Strangled her and pushed her in front of cars and trucks. She kept trying to go home, but I lured her on with ‘Oh, but I’ve got ciggarettes! You can have some…in a bit.’ because she loves smoking anything she can get her hands on.

But I’m not the only murderous one. I’ve been encouraging her to kill me. I don’t give a fuck if I die! I don’t care! But, if I go out at her hand, it’ll fuck her up more! I’ve just realised, I’m horrible. I want my best friend dead or insane. Very nice, Bella, very nice.

She did try to kill me, almost. She cut into my throat, but then let go before she slit a vain. She pushed me in front of a car, but then yanked me to safety. She also bit me, but that wasn’t a murder attempt, that was just Morgana being herself. It bloody hurt; I have a bruise on my neck.

I have a cut on my neck too. I’ve been wandering round like a prat in a scarf in school, and whenever a teacher saw me they made me take off the scarf (school uniform=blah) and then gasped when they saw the cuts. Everyone thinks I did it myself (probably doesn’t help that I had blood dripping from it in reg. She was nagging me ‘Oh, but it’s lopsided! Let me even it out!’ so I did). Now everyone’s convinced I’ve tried to kill myself. I kind of have, but still… I didn’t try to slit my throat.

Also, Morgana dragged me around at lunchtime, proudly showing everyone ‘look what I did! I told you I would murder anyone! And everyone!’ she said. Bloody bitch. Bloody lying bitch! She didn’t try to kill me; she just cut me for a second and then lost her nerve.

Oh yeah, and whilst I remember, she pinned me down and grabbed my throat, cutting off my air and circulation. I was dying; I could feel myself fading. She was laughing, I was dying, everything went black… and I panicked. I PANICKED. I fucking hate myself. I reached up and pinched Morgana as hard as I could on the side on her neck. So, of course, being the coward she was, she let go. Not my fault – instinct says I’ll fight back a little bit!

It’s just occurred to me – doesn’t doing stuff like that give you brain damage? Ah well.

 

 

My dad just walked in the door and my little brother yelled ‘DADDY!’ and ran for a hug. He’s 11, so that’s not normal. Turns out he’s been on a business trip for 5 days. I didn’t notice.

Dec. 14th, 2008


Again, I’ve not posted much as my computer has turned into a spastic calculator (and a 99p calculator at that).

Yeah, I really hate my life. I’ve packed my bags… I want to run away from home. Way too much of a coward though.

Would suicide work? No, I’d just go ‘the coward’s way out.’ That’s what my friend calls an overdose. But only because it’s supposed to be really painful, and she wants an excuse for why she was too much of a pussy to do it.

I have 26 pictures of Gerard Way’s face on my wall. That is the proof of a sad life.

And, oh yeah, I have a boyfriend. I really like him, he makes me happy. His name is Daniel, and he is creepy. I LOVE that about him. He was saying to me (with people listening in, vaguely) that if he was going to shoot someone, he’d shoot their legs and arms off so they’d die slowly and painfully of blood loss. Cue everyone else’s awkward silence. Then he finished with ‘But of course, I’d only do that to someone I hated.’ And I was just like ‘COOL.’

I hate my school. I was supposed to go regularly to see the councillor, and I didn’t want to go, but do you know what? She’s stopped seeing me. ‘Sorry, you’re not a priority now. Nope, not enough time to see you. Fuck off.’ I hate her. I mean, it’s her job to listen to me! She’s supposed to make me feel better! Just knowing she thinks I’m too boring makes me want to curl up and die. Last night I wandered around my house, finding out the best way to kill myself. I do want to overdose, there’s no good place to hang myself and I’m too pussy to slit my wrists.

My mum+dad are going to kill me if I commit suicide (no pun). I’ve written them half a page of suicide note, my brother two lines, and my friend Morgana ten pages. But, hey, what am I supposed to say to my parents? I love them… can’t think of anything else.

Oh, and I’ve started smoking. I used to smoke socially, but now I have a couple every day. It helps me not eat.

I hate my body, I’m so fat. I hate it. People tell me I’m not fat, at 50kg and 5 ft 3 in, but my body is grotesque. My stomach bulges over my trousers and I have rolls of fat on my hips. I hate it. I wish I had the will power of Morgana, paranoid anorexic/bulimic. Why should she get to be thin? She’s thin, everyone thinks she’s starting to border on skeletal, but I think she’s perfect. If she gets any thinner, I’ll hate myself. And she’s so beautiful, with expressive blue eyes and soft, near-white, porcelain skin. She even has the perfect scars, one deep scar across her wrist, the remains of one of many suicide attempts. So, yeah, she’s depressed, but so? I’m hardly ever happy! She’s sad inside and perfect outside. Why am I sad inside and revolting outside?

.

I am going to fucking kill them all.

Something Warm in Your Throat...

Writen on the 2nd of Dec.


Have you ever hated someone so much you wanted them dead? Wished that one day you would see them, cold and still, eyes closed like they were sleeping? Or perhaps even imagined them screaming in agony as they died at your hand? For me the answer’s yes to all three.

Have you ever not cared about someone, but still wanted them dead? Lusted over the sight of their blood spilled on the floor? I have. His name is Alec, he’s a year younger than me and he is nothing. A shell. A little boy, lost boy, never grow up, Alec.

Today Morgana came over my house after school . Yes, that Morgana. The Morgana who said I was dead to her. Kind? No. Honest? Yes.

But anyway, Alec… tonight me and Morgana hunted him. Like an animal. We had him cornered… I had him cornered and Morgana was coming, I knew she was, we’d planned this. I hope I never forget what I said to him, how I terrified him…

“You’re trapped, little boy, poor little Alec… I can see the fear in your eyes, Alec! And no wondered! You’re trapped, like an animal. I’m hunting you, little boy! Do you know what I’m looking forward to? Killing you. You will die at my hand!” I heard Morgana coming “Oh, listen! Here comes Morgana! Good! We’ll share your blood!”

I hope I never forget the fear in his eyes, the panic that held him, trapped like a rabbit in head lights.

It was incredible.

Something wicked this way comes.

So you know, my internet's been down for a few days, and this entry was actuallly writen on the 1st Dec.



Today my best friend, my other half, the only person I’ve every felt could understand me told me I was dead to her. I hate it. She said that the part of her I knew was dead, and that the part of me she knew was too. For fuck’s sake! We’ve been growing apart for a while now, I know, but it hurts. It was early this morning, and she just texted me. How can you say that by text? Oh Morgana, you betrayed me.

Some of the most important things in my life have been texted. I told Lily (who was a friend before I started cutting myself and doing other stupid things) how I felt about her by text. I just said, straight out, that every time I saw her I was struck with an obsession with killing her (grab a big rock and smash her head in, to be precise).

I’m more murderous than most people. I tried to kill Morgana. Well, it made sense at the time – I planned to strangle her then hang myself, so we’d be best friends forever. I figured, in real life, we could easily be parted, but when dead, we’d be together in whatever afterlife there was. But she over-powered me. We didn’t grow apart because of that; she was very understanding when I explained it. I accidentally broke her arm, but that’s still nothing.

Today some boys in the year above screamed ‘freak’ at me. I didn’t mind, I’m used to it. They call me freak every day, and at the time I was can-caning in the computer room at school so I don’t blame them. Unfortunately a paranoid girl who’s older than me and I think has special needs thought that they were picking on her. She started screaming at them (‘I’m not a freak! I’m not a freak! You’re freaks! Shut up or I’ll kill you!’ [I know it sounds like something I’d say, but it wasn’t me]). She threw a fit and slammed a lot of doors before bursting into tears (touchy). I don’t want to sound evil, but that’s over reacting. Ah well, quite frankly, who cares. They normally throw things and slap me around.

There’s another boy who picks on me constantly. On Thursday, I ran after him screaming like a banshee ‘I’M GOING TO FUCKING KILL YOU! I’LL FUCKING KILL YOU! YOU DON’T DESERVE TO LIVE.’ He locked himself in the teacher’s loo and refused to come out. It sounded like he was crying. Ever since then he’s been different. Subdued. He also does this little twitchy-look-over-his-shoulder thing whenever I’m around. I think he’s now afraid of me. I’m very glad. His name's Quade. Yes, pronounced like 'wade' but with a 'qu'

Who’s seen that advert that goes on and on about the guy in the car? ‘He didn’t die when his car hit another car. He didn’t die when he hit the windscreen. He died when he stopped, but his organs didn’t…’ the one advertising seatbelt-safety. Does anyone else think that is hilarious? Oh, come on, it’s comedy! It’s like ‘Come on… not dead yet… COME ON… OH YES! HE’S DEAD! FINALLY! BACK OF THE NET!!!!’
 

All I want for christmas is you...not.

Today my mum sat me and my little brother down 'for a chat about christmas'. What she said to me was that, to put it simply, this Christmas is going to be fucking shit. We're in money trouble (like most of the uk). So, what she said was we'd get less presents, we'd be poor.
I hate that. My best friend, she's not poor. She lives in a small house and I live in a big one, though, so I always assumed we were richer than her. I realized today that we're not. She lives miles away from me, I moved a few years back from the area. The houses are more expensive there. Our houses were the same price (round about).

From when I was just a little girl, my best friend, Skye, had it all. More pocket money, tons of gifts from wealthy family members, an interesting family (her uncle's an author, stuff like that), she was pretty, a boyfriend, EVERYTHING. She had everything. I found out recently she'd jealous of me, like I used to be of her. I'm prettier than her (through her eyes), I've had more 'real' boyfriends than her, I have a job and earn more than her, I have better friends, she thinks I live a perfect life surrounded by people who shit golden turds.
We don't see each other that often, but she knows everything about me. But she doesn't see why I'm sad. Why I cry. She thinks I'm fucking perfect. She doesn't see the scars, or the tears.

Maybe, years ago, when I saw her like that, she was suffering. I wonder if I'll ever know.

The all-important first post


As my first entry, this should be something important. A date, a birthday, a party, an interesting day at school at the very least.

I don’t have a life like that. I’m sorry to say it people, but I’m a social reject.

I haven’t done anything today. Day off school (THANK GOD) and all I did was sit in my room sleeping and reading. Sorry if you were looking for something important, people. My life is shit.

So maybe I should talk about myself? My feelings? Well, you could fill a book with my feelings. Being your average teen, I tend to have mood swings. So, feelings? It’d get boring.

I decorated my room by printing photos off the web and cutting them out of magazines, then sticking them on my bedroom wall. Except, you’ll think that shit and scary. I cut out hundreds of pictures of Gerard Way and stuck them all together. I have a few bloody ones of people who committed suicide, and a chavette crying as she slit her wrists. There’s also a couple of that gang of Russian teens who’ve been in a lot of magazines and the news about the ‘Satanist murders’. They stabbed several other teens to death, and barbecued their remains and ate some, before burying them in a grave marked with an inverted cross.

I feel very strongly about that, but for all the wrong reasons. There’s one girl, a killer, Ksenia (I forget her last name). She was a goth, trying to stand out and be different, but no one paid her a lot of attention. She was an unpopular nothing kid, just another schoolgirl, but she was desperate for more. Well, now everyone knows her. One sad British teen has a photo of her on her wall, feeling sorry for her. I’m not saying I support what she did, but it’s a sad story. Maybe if they just paid a bit more attention to rebellious Ksenia, those other kids wouldn’t be dead.

I’m not saying I support her, no way, but still… it’s not just the dead teens we should feel sorry for. All the killers were shunned and bullied in school, social rejects. A bit like me, actually. Hmm, that’s an interesting thought; Belladonna Jones: Satanist Killer. Look out for that headline!

 

If you think suicide is sick, you’re right. But you know those sad kids all huddled into the category of ‘emo’ by the media? The ones that ‘glamorize death’? I’m a member of what the media believe is emo, although I don’t actually think I fit in with real life emos. I hate everyone, too much. A few friends and family are fine, but mostly, I honestly wouldn’t mind if a bomb dropped on my school and killed everyone (including me). There is only one person in my school I don’t want to die. I guess you’d call me a sociopath, but I have no intention of grabbing a gun and shooting my class. I want to be a social worker, and if I have a couple of years of institutionalisation under my belt, that dream is dead. If you’re wondering how I could want to be a social worker, it’s because I want to help people. In a couple of years, when my suicidal/murderous thoughts are gone (have you ever met an adult emo? No, that’s because we grow out of it) I want to make sure things like Baby P don’t happen. I love the idea of being a foster mum too.

 

You’re probably sick of listening to me rant. But that’s what this space is for, ranting. I rant, therefore I am; I ranted, therefore I was

If you want to chat to me FEEL FREE I love chatting with people I don’t know it’s like speed dating without the forced romance. In other words, you get to have a quick fun chat, and if you want to you can talk with the person forever, and if you don’t like them you can move on and be done with it, end of story, never have to look at each other again.

Lets finish with this:

One day I will fly but for now I’ll just look over the edge of the cliff…