Ok, I normally avoid writing poetry, but if I do I've never told anyone for fear of being branded as a 'wannabe emo bullshitter'
But, hey, who cares. Here's something I wrote about my best friends.
She lies broken
She lies outspoken
Angel wings cut
Can't remember what
Friends to avoid
Her life line's destroyed
Her old life drowned
When humanity crowned
She'll win her life back
Or sink into black
We grew in sync
But they broke the link
We were strange
But they made us change
Her beauty's unknown
Yet we have grown
I shouldn't agree
Until she is free
How deep is her wound?
Too deep, she is doomed
How she became my friend
She'll die like me
Unable to see
Baited by magic
End result: tragic
She can reorder
Her personality disorder
But she can't exist
With that razor on her wrist
I laugh and weep
Her scars run so deep
I make her die
As she begs to fly
The blood red song
Helps us belong
And I'll never know
And I'll never let go
You are untrue
But did you know I'd die for you?
I am deranged
I swear never to see the
Power of three
But who can I control?
Please tear out my soul
I'll cut out my heart
If we're apart
Ignore my tears
I beg freedom from fears
Yeah, probably not great. But PLEASE leave a comment, I'd REALLY appreciate it. I mean, I've never showed anyone a poem, so I don't know if I'm any good. I doubt it. Hey, I'm a pessimist, I expect it's crap, so feel free to honestly tell me how it is.
- Current Mood: hopeful
God, school is a fucking nightmare. I'm not going back to my old one though. I remember it. Believe me, if you've never been in a place where you can't see ten people without one of them hissing an insult at you, you have no idea what it's like. They've been throwing bits of cake at me in my new school, but as the regularly threw rocks (no joke) in my old school.
The thing is, in this school the good times are ok and the bad times are annoying. In my old school, the bad times made me suicidal and the good times were so amazing I'd have hysterical laughing fits til I cried..
I'm eating sweets. It makes me feel fat.
I'm considering moving back to my old school. They did say I'd always have a place to go back to, in the event my new school turned out as fucking crap as the old one.
Well, on Monday I was being stalked by some typical twats. In case you can't guess, Belladonna isn't my real name. Well, I absolutely HATE my birth name. So I go by nicknames online and get called by a shortened version of my birth name at school. However, we had a sub, who stupidly didn't know what my name was and called me by my old name (my short name is on the register but so is my official name). So they all followed me, calling me by my birth name in that intimidating way bullies do to try and provoke a reaction. Well, I sat ignoring them, you know, head down and pretend you can't heard them. I don't know why people say you should do that, it never works, but I don't know how else to react. But, a couple of them were in my art class, and they followed me. They kept on pissing me off through the lesson, then near the end one of them grabbed my book, scribbled out my name and wrote my full name.
I hit him.
I was so ashamed. The whole point of going to this school was to avoid getting that sort of rep! I don't want to be a kid to be tormented until she hits out and amuses whoever dodges. But I lost my temper terribly for a second and hit him hard. I don't know how hard it was, but it hurt my hand a lot so it probably hurt his head too.
That was last lesson yesterday. I didn't go to school today because I had a meeting with my shrink (when the shrink's office is an hours drive away from your house and an hour and a half from your school and all you have as a taxi service are your very busy working parents, it's hard to get there and back in time for school).
I am dreading tomorrow. I get the idea I'm going to be faced by idiots getting in my face and a vengeful smack in the face (I admit I deserve the latter).
Also, I started crying in my therapy session. I've never done that before.
Last night I found a spider in my pillow. I am a huge arachnophobe and I hate everything with eight legs. So I'm sleeping in the spare room now, which I also hate. It is freezing. Do my parents hate guests or something? Why so cold?
But, yeah, if they start picking on me in this school I'm going back.
Ok, wtf? Most Haunted was done in a house build on an indian burial ground. Tre tacky!
Also, wikipedia is officially insane. They tell you the correct meaning of the phrase 'fuck off and die' Me and my friends used to say 'foad' in text convos.
Also, we say 'So Long And Goodnight' (it's an MCR thing) but have recently started shortening it to 'S.L.A.G.' which sound insulting.
Vicci's ok. Thank god. She's just fine. She's been telling anyone who'll listen that she's not o-fucking-kay (an MCR quote).
Hey, I just realised, we're hardcore!!!! Lol, that's insane. Suicidal gangs are still called hardcore, right? Whatever. It's insane that after all we've been through, we have a badge.
My little brother came home from school in a bad mood and said his life was a million times worse that mine. Dickhead. I was just like 'What part of 'SUICIDAL' don't you understand?!' and 'Hello? Me and my friends are simultaneously dropping dead!' he said that no one was dead and I said 'Well we're doing our fucking best!!!!'
God, I hate my family in times like this.
Three little emos, all trying to kill themselves :)
Yeah, that's my life.
Vicky's in hospital. We're not sure why, but it was a suicide attempt. Ah... now she'll have to see a shrink. Probably my shrink. There aren't many of them in my area who specialize in suicidal teens, and there apparently aren't any good ones. Well, that's if mine's supposed to be good. She's so crap, I told her I was very happy, I was okay, I wasn't ever thinking about suicide... she says I'm not depressed, I'm all okay cuz I say I'm okay.
I am SO not ok.
So... me, Vicky and Morgana are now, duh, duh, duh duuuuuuuuuuuuuuuh...
THE MY CHEMICAL ROMANCE SUICIDE GANG!
Every MCR fan within a million miles is going to feel this, and it'll hurt. But me and Vicky both got introduced to the 'emo culture' via MCR and their magic songs. You know, magic, the kind you find in mushrooms :)
So, yeah. Morgana's always attempting suicide, but never seriously. I've lost count now of the amount of pills she's taken, the amount of broken nooses, the number of times she's chopped her wrists... Vicky's done it once before, she slit her wrists on the bathroom floor.
Well, I took a ton of pills whilst listening to an MCR song (Vampires will never hurt you), Morgana always has an MCR song on in the background, and Vicky also had an MCR song playing (Disenchanted, Cancer and Cemetary Drive).
We'll have to all commit suicide together and get into the papers as a pact :) that should be fun.
Actually, I wonder who'll be first? I always assumed Morgana'd be first, but both me and Vicky have been to hospital, but she hasn't. So maybe it'll be one of us.
Oh, for god's sake. Am I a magnet for troubled people? My old best friend was the most paranoid person you will ever meet, and she was constantly sure her dad would die if she didn't make sure he was safe. Yes. I am a magnet for troubled people. I'd say I made them throubled if it wasn't for the fact that some of these things have been going on since before I knew them.
Also, have you ever noticed how easy it is to turn someone into an emo? I was an almost normal person, until my friend introduced me to the 'coolness' of cutting (her words, not mine. She was the world's most irritating poser and used to make fun of me for not doing it as deep as her). I know a girl who was all sunshine and rainbows until she met Morgana. My best friend since birth has been a self-proclaimed chav since she knew what a chav was, but recently she has been self-harming. Another of my friends, Vicky, used to be li'l miss sporty-chav, but I introduced her to the wonders of emo fashion and music. Now she self-harms. I think emo may be contagious, and I would advise you to stay away from it. It's not fun, honest. I wish I was a chav; as much as I despise most of them, I must admit they all look a hell of a lot happier than me.
Also, my ear hurts, but it was worth it.
- Current Location:At home, no school!
- Current Mood: contemplative
- Current Music:My World-Avril Lavigne
Oh. My. God.
I have just pierced my own ear. With a safety pin. It hurts!
Actually, it doesn't hurt much at all, I just feel like being dramatic. If anyone feels like doing it themselves, I'd advise it. It's easy. All you have to do is get a safety pin, run it through a flame (to kill germs), then shove it through your ear. It's not hard at all! My friend does it all the time. You know Morgana? She has one ear done three times in the lobe and one on top, and the other 2 times in the lobe and one on top. I plan on doing it some more, for sure. It your pain threshold is low, keep a freezing cold tap and a tea spoon handy. If it gets really painful, just run the spoon under the tap and then press it to your ear: it numbs the pain.
THIS IS SO COOL!
Morgana has also tried to pierce her own lip. I wouldn't advise it, it's way painful and the first two times it swelled up and she spoke with a lisp.
I love this! I've already got my ear lobes pierced twice. This is totally wicked! BEYOND FWICKED!
Actually, I have to be honest: I needed to use a spoon to numb the ear right at the end. The skin at the back of ear is the hardest part. Going in is easy; going out is more painful.
I love this!
And, oh yeah, today we had a snow day off school.
I dumped my boyfriend, Daniel. He got on my nerves a bit. Here's how it went:
Daniel: So, what're you doing Saturday.?
Me: Um... hey... David... maybe we should just, like... be friends?
Daniel: You're breaking up with me?
Me: I don't know...
Daniel: So I'm getting dumped for no good reason?!
Me: Uh... yeah.
Hmm... I guess that wasn't nice. Ah well! Poor Danny!
And whilst I remember, look at this LUSCIOUS piccy:
I love it!
- Current Mood: excited
- Current Music:Runaway-Avril Lavigne. My favourite song when I'm happy!
My computer's been down for a while. I've got a new one, but it is incredibly gay and sucks donkey balls.
I've moved to my new school. I hate it. Ok, it is A LOT better than my old school, but everyone falls into 3 categories: retard, arsehole and skank.
Also I get followed by a bunch of idiot guys who call me a vampire. Grr.
I am NOT a vampire. I am actually a vampyromaniac. Completely different thing. We not only kill our prey by biting their neck and sucking their blood, we cook them afterwards.
Remind me to kill myself.
My brother told me earlier that I shout jump off a cliff. Thanks Joe. I needed that self-esteem boost.
I have been searching for cool pic to print out and stick on my wall all yesterday. I now have 10 pages of fwicked pics.
- Current Mood: drained
Help! I’ve just seen the school I’m moving to. It has 350 pupils! My junior school was around that size, for fuck’s sake, it’s almost scary. God, why the fuck do they expect me to move there? I mean, there were three girls skiving off as I drove past (with my m+d), about my age. I instantly hated them. They were popular, designer label, lip gloss and bronzer type girls, the sort of person I can’t go within 100m of without getting called a freak. I know I shouldn’t judge a school on three pupils, but I am. The uniform is red and black, a slight plus.
I don’t want to leave my old school. My best friend, Africa, needs me. Her dad is horrid. He controls Africa and her little sister like puppets, and I hate him. He beats Africa sometimes. Africa was only just starting to open up to me. She really does need me. So I feel cruel to leave her. Her dad won’t let me see her – he thinks I’m a bad example. He’s got a v. good point, but still.
I hate them. Someone really should kill my Headteacher for what he did to me. And Africa.
I have this paranoid feeling that my dad can read this. I think he’s spying on my computer – which is terrifying. I don’t actively seek to hide my emotions from him, but sometimes that’s what I do. And if he reads this – he still thinks I’m an innocent girl, and that ‘emo’ is a fashion thing. I’m really worried, every time I hear his computer doing anything I imagine him peering at the screen reading this.
- Current Mood: rejected
Last week I did something incredibly stupid. On the 30th Dec, 2008, I tried to kill myself. I took 40 paracetymol and wound up in hospital. It was one of the worst experiences in my life. I lied to my shrink with a ‘I promise I won’t kill myself!’ and she’s only seeing me monthly. It’s pretty stupid. I’m not going to kill myself… at the moment. I don’t really want to discus it, but I’d like to tell everyone that pills are not the easy way out.
- Current Mood: pissed off
- Current Music:Anything by MCR.